Faith, Hope, and Love

I don't really need to say more, but I will add. I want people to remember three things about me when I am gone.
I want them to remember a good, hardworking, honest, faithful, god loving person.
I want them to remember that I always had hope, even through the hardest times of my life. Hope for myself, hope for my friends and family, and hope for those I had never even met. I want them to remember that I thought I could change the world, and that I set out trying to. I want them to see, that even if I didn't make a huge difference, I did make A difference.
I want them to remember me as loving, kind, sympathetic, empathetic, and gentle. I want my son to remember that mommies have magical kisses. She can kiss your forehead and all boo boo's go running away. I want my husband to remember that I was always up at four if he had to go to work, just so that he had a lunch to eat (even if he does have a tendency to give them away when someone else is hungry). I want my friends to remember that I was the one they knew to call in the middle of the night for ANYTHING! I want people to remember that I loved ladybugs and kittens because they are so gentle.
So, what motivates me? What motivates me is that I want to be remembered. I want to be remembered kindly. When people think of me, I want them to think of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, hope, and self-control.

I think the body is the shell that houses the soul. As such the body has unique importance and is a special thing to be cared for and nurtured. But in the end it is still just a body. With my mind however, I can make my body do things, like lifting my hands up to praise God, or bending into myself to cry, or reaching out to another to give comfort. I think the mind is seperate from the soul, and therefore has it's own worth. Without the soul however, our thoughts would not be tempered from those of basic instinct. I believe that the three parts make a whole. I think that together they have the ability to form a unique, wonderful individual.
i see this as I watch my son. Take for instance, his ability to run. There are four parts that give him such a great gift.
1. He eats well and prepares his body through practice, warm-ups, and other exercize.
2. He prays before each run that he will not fall, and that he will do well. He also recieves and encouraging word, usually from myself and his father, or from his coach or a teacher or friend.
3. He is able to pace himself. As a matter of fact it is a military trick he uses. He counts his pace. 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, and so on.
4. He is naturally fast. The way his body was made enables him to gather speed quickly and maintain speed and good breathing techniques.
This is my main point. Without one of these three parts, mind, body, spirit, Timothy would be unable to run the way he does. He uses mental and spiritual guidance to help him in the physical act of running.

I think that in order to truly visualize the future, one must focus on the present. I believe that we see our future in our lover's eyes, and in the laughter of our children. I see the future when I remember the tears on my grandmothers face at my grandfathers wake as she watched the home videos and pictures flow past. The future is a combination. It is now and then. It is the present mixed with the past. I believe that one thing we will always have is our memories, as long as we do not try to hold to this life past the time that God has given to us. I do not think He has meant for us to live with the pain of losing our memories to ancient age and senility, but rather to keep them as we go peaceably home into His welcoming arms.
In my future I see my husband with wrinkles and gray hair. I see my children growing children of their own. I see that my dreams have come to fruition in them. I see no more battles and terror, but peace.
Then, for the true life that follows death, I see my grandparents and my parents and my first love waiting to welcome me home. I see no more tears, no more sorrow, no more pain. I see watching as my son does the same things that I have tried to do and succeding where I have failed.
I think that the future is the present, just with more memories added to those I hold so dear now. I see my grandchild's first words added to those of my son, and to the brother that I raised. I see more kisses with my husband, and more moonlight strolls, and more tickling. I see so many beautiful things.
As for my goals for the future, I see one thing. I see the ability to effect change. I see having the ability to help people, really help them. I see helping to put an end to rape and abuse. I see less pain.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think that I will have an end to tears this side of heaven. I am sure I will struggle then as I do now, but I see myself having the ability to choose my own battles, rather than having them chosen for me.

I would be purple because it is dark and light at the same time. I love the color and think that it suits me well.

I actually remember the first time Steve and I met quite clearly. I had just gotten out of a really bad abusive relationship with my ex-husband. It had taken months, but things were starting to work out. I had been volunteering at my local DHHS in hopes of getting a job there, and on September 8th 2003 I was hired.

That night I went to visit a friend named Matt. When I dropped my son off with my sister I really didn't expect anything to come of the evening, and I had no idea that I was about to find myself in a whirlwind romance! When I got to Matt's house one of hs friends I had never met was over. He introduced himself as Steve and smiled. I liked him instantly, but said nothing.

We talked for three hours while Matt played some war game (boring) on the console. He was drinking at the time, which I was slightly worried about, but seemed very calm and happy go lucky. He put his hand on my knee, and instead of pudhing him away as I normally would have done, I let it rest there. Eventually, Steve left, and I was actually sad to see him go.

The next morning Matt called me aside and asked what I had thought of Steve. After hearing that I thought he was cute but was worried about getting into another relationship so soon, Matt and another friend Nicole took matters into their own hands. They would invite us both over in the next few weeks without telling us the other would be there. Then one day, Matt said he wanted to play with my son Tim.

Meanwhile, Nicole had told Steve to come over. When I showed up he was already there. I was talking to Nicole, who had just learned she was pregnant with her first child and was very excited, while Timmy played on the floor with his cars. Eventually, Timmy walked over to Steve and said hi, and Steve played with him for about half an hour. In that time my esteem for him grew!

It was a couple of weeks later when everything finally came together though. I was on my way to the store one day. It was only a few blocks away so Timmy and I thought we'd walk down and grab some juice. Matt saw us and asked Steve to run to the store for him. When he ran into us he picked Timmy up and carried him. Timmy was in heaven!!

When it came time for Timmy and I to leave the store, I said bye to Steve, but Timmy wouldn't have that. He let go of my hand, ran to Steve and started clinging to his leg, screaming "Mine." I swear people thought I was trying to kidnap my own son.

Steve actually carried Timmy all the way home for me to cut off the tantrum. I invited him up for coffee, and we were an item within the hour! He proposed to me in January, I accepted, and in August 2004 we were wed!

Trying tearfully
to live cheerfully.
Loving longingly,
but wanting to be free.
I want eternally
for him to be with me.
But love overrides love
like a mourning dove.
I am lost to this path,
lost in the aftermath
of a dream I tried
to make real inside.
But love overrides love
like a mourning dove.
And I am free,
tearfully

Today I want to learn what happens in the last chapter of my book

A mixture actually. I see a bit of myself in Piper from Charmed, and a few other television characters.

Mostly though, I see myself in my son. Not only does he look like a blonde haired male version of me (I'm auburn) but he also has my attitude and temperament, as well as being a bookworm and loving music. He plays the Violin, where I play my voice, but it is still a love of music. He is also very emotionally in tune with me. We get sad about the same things, angry about the same things, and happy about the same things. AND he has my love for CHOCOLATE!!!!! :)

I also see peices of myself in my husband. He gets so angry when someone is being hurt or abused, the same way I do, and he has a temper alot like mine, which makes for a happy, but loud home. When we argue, we are both the same. We are mad for about five minutes or as long as it takes to vent the frustration, and then it's over and never brought back up. Although, I should admit we get angry a lot more often than most of the other couples we know.

What I want most in the world right now is another child. my husband and I have been trying for five years. It seems like it will never happen. I thank God for my son, and if I never have another child I will still be blessed through him, and also because I have been able to raise my baby brother Chris.
I just really want another baby

I would ahve to admit that I have been most naive about love. Growing up I guess I didn't understand what my father had tried so hard to instill in me. Abuse is not love. I do not need to be beaten or raped to be loved. I am more than that. I am worth more than that.